Okay, so… I’m shifting gears on the whole blog thing…

Lately I’ve gotten into something called ‘card altering’ and have created a new blog for it. As of this weekend, I’m going to delete this blog altogether and move solely over to the new one. So… Check it out! Please feel free to keep following me. I would love it if you’d make the change over!

All the best,

Mari

http://mtgalters.tumblr.com/

I’m not sure you know this, but none of my friends (with one exception only) were supposed to follow my blog. As a matter of fact, the whole point of this thing was a sounding board, an empty space for me to just rant and ramble about whatever I wanted.

Truth be told, when I started my blog, I told my roommate about it, but also explained why I didn’t want anyone close by to read it. The idea was to have a place where I could talk about whatever and whomever and not have to worry about stepping on anyone’s toes. I’ve used nicknames/code names for everyone I’ve spoken about, when I mention any names at all.

Anyway.

She decided to go ahead and dig up my blog (how she even found it in the first place, I have no idea. :/ That alone is a little disturbing.), read a post of mine where I ranted about her, and get all bent out of shape.

All I can say is, “serves you right.” I explained why I started this blog, told her I didn’t want anyone to read it, stated that I was not always going to say very nice things, but she went and read it anyway. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Do I much care that she’s upset about something written over a year ago in a space that I told her I didn’t want anyone to look at for the exact reason that they might get upset about what they were reading? No. Not a bit. So if she feels up to looking at my blog today, I hope she reads this post.

—-

Dear former roommate,

If you’re looking for an apology, you won’t get one. I’m not sorry for telling you you shouldn’t read my blog. I’m definitely not sorry you decided to be nosy and ignore what I said to you. If you want to get bent out of shape because you read something written over a year ago on a blog you weren’t supposed to be looking at anyway… Well, that sounds like a you problem.

Cheers,

Mari

I’m sure everyone’s heard ‘Rolling in the Deep.’ (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw&NR=1)

Anyway. Adele gets it.

Some days, things just feel… Better.

Today is one of those days.

—-

Dear friend,

Thank you. For everything.

All my best, as always,

Mari

Well. This looks like it’ll be my last post.

I thought I started this blog to actually say something important, but looking back, I only really started writing for one purpose.

Seeing as that relationship has now come to a complete end, I see no reason to continue on here.

Best wishes to all of you, and good night. :)

Love,

Mari

Okay. So. I think it has been established (albeit in minor detail only) that I have some issues with actually acknowledging/experiencing negative emotions such as anger, sadness, irritation, etc.

A few nights ago, however, I believe I had a bit of a breakthrough.

I was genuinely angry about something. I mean, really. I was irked. I have no idea if I had any right to be upset and, if I’m honest, I don’t much care. It’s… Strange, to say the least. In the past, I’ve made a good show of appearing to be angry or sad or what have you when I’ve decided such a demonstration would be expected of me, but it’s been years since I’ve truly allowed myself to indulge such emotions.

I think that’s why so many people have labeled me as “patient” or “self-sacrificing” or “forgiving.” It’s not because I actually am any of those things: it’s because I appear to have those qualities due to some crazy emo-suppressant skills.

Anyway, in light of all of this, I have consciously decided to be angry about something and refuse to allow myself to talk myself out of it (if that makes any sense at all, which it probably doesn’t).

That’s not to say that there’s no reason whatsoever for me to be upset in the first place, but rather that I will continue to be angry as long as I feel like being angry, valiantly repudiating the urge to persuade myself into yet another state of complacent ignorance of my internal emotional turbidity.

Yay big words.

-sigh-

—-

Dearest Reader,

Sorry if you felt obligated to read this. It’s 1:38 on a Sunday morning and I’ve had a raging head cold/post-nasal drip thing going on for most of the past week. That’s not meant to be a “poor me” statement so much as a pathetic excuse for half-baked nonsense posts.

Anyway.

I think I should go to bed.

Zzzzz,

Mari

Dream. Team.

That’s all that needs to be said.

(via there-were-no-good-urls-left)

I’ve been thinking for some time now about how to breach the subject of the April meeting that has been the focus of several of my past posts. To answer the first question that’s probably come to my readers’ minds, yes, I did finally meet him last month.

Honestly, I haven’t been quite sure what to say, both with respect to what happened as well as how I feel about the encounter. All-in-all, I think the trip itself went rather well. We met, we talked, we had some minor revelations. The aftermath is where things get tricky. I suppose the best term for how I feel as of this moment is “resigned.”

Allow me to explain.

I am sure now that I am completely in love with two different people. I have my current boyfriend: someone who is nearby and with whom I can talk without having to calculate what time it is. I also have the “old boy” (whom I’ve eventually decided to give the alias… Adam, just because I like that name). There’s a novel’s worth of back-stories and more baggage to sort through than an airport and, oh yeah, he lives on the other side of the country.

There used to be quite a bit of… Angst, I guess, when I thought about all the hard parts of my relationship with Adam. Thinking about him meant thinking about what we used to have and why it didn’t work and what I did wrong and blah, blah, blah and in the end it would turn into this sad, longing feeling that was not the least bit pleasant.

So I went to New York and met him, hoping to find some sort of resolution. There was talking and lunch and parks we didn’t know the names of and more talking and taxi rides and elevator rides (but no carousel rides) and on and on. And after it all, I left with a feeling of… Peace, I suppose. At the very least, I was numb and emotion-ed out enough to feel peaceful.

To be honest, I didn’t and still don’t really want to delve too far into how I feel. The prospect of examining the subject of my emotions is daunting. What I do know is that I love him. I also know that to spend too much time thinking about it is not a good idea. Hence my previous label, “resignation.” I have tried loving him and thinking about loving him (which led to the aforementioned sad-ish feeling), and I have tried not loving him and thinking about not loving him (which turned out to be me lying to myself). The fact of the matter is that I care in a way that was and still is very much romantic and nothing I’ve done in the past four years is going to change that. I might as well accept it. He lives far away and we don’t (can’t?) talk as much as we used to and from the looks of things right now we’re probably going to end up with different people so as of this moment there’s not much point in pining away or holding out. I love him, but there’s nothing to be done for it. Some might think that’s bleak or sad or cynical, but for me, it’s realistic.

Eventually I’ll probably revisit the trip here and provide an account of the events that transpired during our visit, but as for now I think it’s best to just leave a sentiment about where I stand emotionally (more to placate whatever outstanding confusions or curiosities might exist than to reach some personal revelation [but then again, I’ve been known to unexpectedly reach an epiphany through idle speculation]).

Anyway, that’s all I have to say about it for now. Forgive me if I’ve kept anyone in suspense. :)

All my love,

Mari

• I love music, even more so now that I have been studying it in depth for two years.
• There is a great chance that I will never settle down in one place for the rest of my life. I have always moved around and I don’t think I could be happy staying in one spot for too long.
• While I can give a mean public speech, my true love is communicating with people on an individual basis. As such, teaching a private lesson is one of my greater joys.
• I am a “dog person” through and through.
• I can’t wait to have my own place. As great as dorm life is, having a room to myself is something I miss deeply.
• Love cannot be tacked down neatly at the corners. There will always be complications.
• The moment you say “I’m mature for my age,” you prove the exact opposite.
• Don’t judge a book by it’s cover or the first twenty pages, especially when the book is a person.
• Facebook is 100% capable of sucking up all of your free time.
• There is no good excuse for growing apart from a friend. If you value them, make time for them. It’s not as hard as it seems.
• Don’t knock it before you try it.
• Pretending to be stupid is not, never was, and never shall be “cute” by any definition of the word. The same goes for baby talk, being riotously drunk, using potty humour, and/or dressing like a hooker.
• Red-eared slider turtles do not like ghost shrimp. They prefer rosie reds or earthworms.
• The hardest thing in the world is making what you do appear to be effortless, especially when it’s not.
• Try not to take things personally. It’s easy enough to imagine that something is directed towards you as an individual, but don’t let that be your default inclination.
• There is a very fine line between being upset for an irrational reason and convincing yourself (on a regular and consistent basis) that there is nothing to be upset about. I usually find myself deep in the latter side of the spectrum and I need to learn that there are some things worth being angry or sad about.
• Sleep is not always as necessary as we imagine it to be.
• It is most definitely possible to love two people in equal measure and intensity at the same time.
• Life is wonderful. Live each moment as your last, but never cease to have a healthy dose of optimism that there are plenty of moments yet to come.
• Being happy is AWESOME. Whatever obstacles you must overcome to achieve this state make happiness itself all the more pleasant.
• What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but only if you use those experiences as opportunities to grow.
• If I’m “doing it right,” there will never be an end to this list. Expect more to come. :)